Of Loneliness and Suicide
by Stargirl864
Summary: A Russia Pairing Spinoff! Plip...Plip... Plip... The droplets of blood slipped through his slim fingers to splash into the crimson mass below. Only this noise was present as Russia gazed at his cup of blood which slipped in a painstakingly slow way through his scarlet-stained fingers... Plip... Plip... Plip... Post-Soviet Russia!
1. Introduction

**Of Loneliness and Suicide**

**A Russia Pairing Spinoff**

February 19, 2013

**Introduction**

_ Plip...Plip... Plip..._The droplets of blood slipped through his slim fingers to splash into the crimson mass below, ringlets flowing out from the impact which grew centrifugally before smoothing out to the original flat surface..._... Plip... Plip..._ Only this noise was present as Russia gazed at his cup of blood which slipped in a painstakingly slow way through his scarlet-stained fingers... _Plip... Plip... Plip..._

Suddenly the noise stopped at the last droplets plummeted to the larger pool of duplicates. The Russian male stayed still in his pitch dark room, face devoid of emotion at the view of his marred skin as the final _plip_replayed its suicidal sound in his ears. The moment stretched out precariously hanging on to the last moment before it popped like a soap-bubble. At that exact moment Russia's eyes flushed a red color that was similar to the color of the substance in the bowl. He hurled the basin at the mocking mirror in front of him which teased Ivan by reflecting the Russian's despicable self. The mirror shattered into gore-splattered shards. Some dropped to the floor while others flew out to impale themselves on the man's skin. Ivan took no notice of the shards as glared with his ferocious red-and-purple irises at the empty wooden frame. With a sudden rapid swipe, Russia tore the frame in two letting his fury-ridden shriek join the frame's pain-ridden one as its splinters joined the bloody plunder of the Russian's skin. Still the man felt no pain as he snapped the frame repeatedly in his massacred hands screaming out his painful rage, until there only remained a mountain of wood chips on the floor. It was a miracle that Russia's hands still functioned seeing how many shards and splinters were stuck in them as the man practically ripped apart the remnants of the boudoir in search for the matches. Eventually the box's outline presented itself in Ivan's trembling goreish hands. The appendages no longer looked anything like appendages, only a crimson dyed piece of meat was left where they once were before. Ivan fumbled to slide the compartment open with his almost nonexistent fingers. Yet when he achieved this challenge, he groaned as he realized as he had yet to select a match, and to try to light the damn thing. Finally with an abrupt soft _kshhhh_ the match flared to life with a brilliant white flash of orange and pink flame. Mesmerized by the sudden burst of light, Ivan stared into the slow burning flare as it greedily gobbled up the phosphorus tip and started on the wooden part. _The flame is like me_, the Russian realized as he stared into the flame's thin dark depth, _it will do anything and everything to hide its hideous true self._ The orange light blurred in his eyes as tears began to coagulate on his eyelids, _it will even consume its "friends" to help hide its true cruel self until they flee from its wrath_. The past seventy years in Ivan's mind couldn't be suppressed anymore and they burst out raging down his face leaving it sleek with its salty taste. _But now... now everyone has left me..._

The time had finally come when the "Iron Curtain" —as England had so wittingly analogized—had crumbled into nothing under the Russian's corrupt "communism". Everyone was desperate to escape from the Russian's deluded wish of unity clambering over the crumbled pieces of brick and cement once they saw their forever separated brothers, friends, and even lovers. Prussia was the first to flee as he leapt into Ludwig's embracing arms with a joyous cry. Hungary was next to clamber over, swept up into Austria's passionate hug as his hungry lips pressed into hers. Even his sisters Ukraine and Belarus bade their brother goodbye without a second glance. Saltness blossomed on Ivan's lips as his tears still gushed down his cheeks in a wild unstoppable cataract. Everyone had left Ivan so easily, it was as though his little "family" never even existed. The Russian was terrifying to think of the joy he derived from his sadistic methods, especially when they kept the countries together with him for a little longer, just a little longer! Russia clearly saw now that his deluded methods had only caused those countries to hate Russia even more for keeping them away from their relations. He wanted to scream for everyone to come back so he could tell them how sorry he was for forcing them to disassociate with all their relations in NATO, for building the "Iron Wall" to stop any one of them to even see the members of NATO, and suppressing their rebellions in the most violent ways. He would do anything, _anything_, now just to have a nation beside him, for them to just understand how damn _lonely_ it was to be him.

The Russian sank to the floor, his knees finally giving out from under him as dry sobs escaped his clenched teeth every time he saw someone escaping from his tangled web of lies. Estonia with a sadistic grimace, Lithuania with that tiny terrified look on his face, and even China, who he thought was his closest confidante, turned his back on him when he needed him the most. One by one they left him in his mind leaving the Soviet feeling completely powerless, defeated, and so damn _lonely_...

No. Death would be better than to feel these suffocating painful emotions, the emotions which felt like they were carving out Russia's aching heart from the inside out. Death would erase all of them, numb the depression which Ivan felt clawing its way through his broken heart. Who would care if the Soviet disappeared from the world? All of the countries left him, glad to be rid of his true egotistical ways. His boss was the first to break the wall, telling Ivan "_they would've left you anyways_" before leaving himself. Russia's body shook with terror and with pain as he realized just how many countries wouldn't notice his death or even benefit from it, another truth of just how much his actions just pushed them away. _Why do you need to suffer_, a voice inside the soviet's mind whispered, _they already hate you so much. There are a thousand reasons why death could benefit them as well as you..._

Ivan rose woozily, his tears long gone leaving carved out trails on his cheek leaving his face gaunt and emotionless. _Quick painless numbing death_, the voice lamented before vanishing leaving Ivan even more lonesome. There was only one way to get this done. He shuffled to the bookcase in the corner, taking a small unnoticed box which was sitting on top of it. Oh how many times were his hands drawn to the small key hanging on a chain underneath his scarf, itching to unlock this unseen lacquer box. Smiling wanly, Russia thought how ironic this would finally come true, only not in the way he'd imagine it happening. With a soft click the traditional box flipped open revealing Russia's secret stashed pistol. Another bout of irony hit the Russian causing his lips to roll upwards in a sarcastic smile as the words from his new boss to his guards echoed in his mind, "_Don't leave Ivan alone. He hasn't recovered from the shock of seeing all the other countries leaving him. Always keep him in sight_." How ironic it was that Yeltsin, his new boss, who had snapped at Ivan a couple of hours ago to "do whatever you like. Just leave me alone for a little while." What the official completely forgot in his irate feelings was that death also fell into the category of "do whatever you like." But now wasn't the time to be thinking of what the deceitful man had said, Ivan chastised as he brought the pistol to his temple. The chilling solemnity of the sleek iron of the barrel seeped into Ivan's skin letting him know of the dire situation he was in. One small flick of his index finger and all of this pain, this heartbreak, would be over with one deciding bang. Inhaling, Ivan shut his eyes as his lips moved in prayer for the last time. He prayed for his "friends" for the countries he kept with him forcefully, "I'm sorry everyone. I'm so sorry."Russia cocked the pistol, ready to make his final act, but the little tremors in his hand wouldn't go away. Frustrated, Ivan breathed a few more times to steady his hand, his finger tightening on the trigger...

A loud crash interrupted his final scene, and Ivan's eyes flew open. He almost dropped his pistol from the intense thumps that followed. Thankfully the Soviet managed to keep a firm grip on it remembering the official's snappish command. Once again he closed his eyes, feeling the smooth trigger as his finger brought it closer to his oblivion... A deafening splintering noise brought Ivan once more from his meditational to stare at the nonexistent doorway, or mainly who stood in it...

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Mwahahahaha! And so the cliffhanger torment begins and only YOU can stop it!  
But before I can tell you the solution, a generous shout out to my friends for editing my paper and helping me realize all of my mistakes in it... This paper wouldn't flow the way it did before after you finished with it! Really guys you're the best! Love you loads!  
Now on to business! Please either go to my deviantart account which you will find below or comment in the review section about which character you'd like for me to feature in this pairing spinoff. I'll try my best to pair them up with the situation at hand...  
I've already started a China chapter and a friend has already requested for America and I'll be doing both all in due time (just if you don't know me I usually take a reeeeaaallly long time to update because of school and laziness but this time I'll try my damnest to update more...).  
Oh yeah and I would really appreciate if you'd go to my dA account and favorite it there as well as comment for your character if you have an account there that is. Its art/Of-Loneliness-and-Suicide-Introduction-Russia- 359695004 and you'll find my username there as well..  
I'm still surprised at how big this fanfic has gotten! I mean it started out three or so months ago as an depressed inspiration to Diablo by Simon Curtis and slowly grew over time to be this polished piece of work! I mean I'm still astonished at how big its gotten!  
Man, I gotta write more of these "songfics", they're really interesting and fun to write~!

So, comment your character choice!  
If you don't want to contribute a character, comment on your feels but without unreasonable flame...  
If don't want to comment, comment anyways!  
Constructive criticism and critiques are greatly appreciated so that my inner Russia editor can thrive!  
Hetalia and Russia sadly belong to Hidekaz Himaruya and not me for if it did, who knows what I would've done to Russia already?  
...RANDOMLY TACKLE GLOMPS YOU!


	2. Chapter 1

A/N: This chapter isn't meant to be taken to be historically accurate, although there are a few parts where it is that way. Remember I'm not writing about people as nations with certain rules, I'm writing about nations as people who have all sorts of emotions! As for the rest of this note you will find more at the bottom. Thanks for taking the time to read this fanfic and I hope that you will enjoy it!

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**Chapter 1**

**Russia x China **

**(RoChu)**

Fear coursed through Yao as his battered foot finally broke in through the damn door separating him and his secluded soviet friend. One final shove and the door broke away completely showing Yao Ivan pressing a pistol barrel to his head. The blatant fear in the man's eyes spoke volumes to Yao propelling him towards Ivan. China carefully wrestled Ivan's pointer finger free from the pistol, and he felt how close it was to completely depress the trigger, how close Ivan was to killing himself. Another second too late and Ivan would've been lost to Yao... forever...

Tears welled up in Yao's eyes as he realized how ignorant he was of Ivan's depressive state, how _baka_ he was for misinterpreting Ivan's odd behavior for something else.

"_You tai schi!"_ China berated himself internally, _"Why? Why do I always have to realize the truth only when someone's about to leave me?! Why am I always this dense about the other people's true feeling? How did I not notice that I was constantly locking myself away from their problems so I could please the other countries? Why didn't I realize sooner that my indifference was hurting them instead?"_

Yao trembled fiercely as he flung away the accursed pistol from the suicidal soviet, which rattled to a halt in a corner. Fearful, Yao grabbed hold of Ivan's freezing crimson palms with his shivering hands, hoping it would solidify Ivan's ghostly existence. Lifting his brown eyes to Ivan's bleak purple ones, Yao searched them for any sign of life or, better yet, regret. China's heart twisted painfully, as an ocean of misery slammed into Yao leaving him breathless with anguish. Beneath the sea of misery lay a mass of loneliness suffocating its host, spreading its way throughout the immense nation's emotions claiming him. Yet on the surface of those despondent eyes, Yao could see the string of questions warring amongst themselves, "_Why is Yao here? Why did he discard my pistol? How did he find out I was here? Why does he care about me?" _What hit Yao the most was, although, just how lifeless and asphyxiated those eyes looked, completely devoid of the tiny happy flame that danced in his sly eyes. The Soviet's countenance was the literal epitome of the saying "dead man walking". His joints hung limp with a sort of listless exhaustion, his gaunt face emphasizing his every bone, and the wan pallor in his face almost matching the color of a corpse.

Yao couldn't take the stifling deadness in Ivan anymore, as his dammed tears burst out of his eyes. They poured down Yao's face like a fierce boiling spring waterfall, echoing the unbearable ache in his heart. His hands relinquished the hold of his hands, and rearranged themselves, clutching at Ivan's albino scarf. Yao wailed into the soviet's garment, hoping, desperately hoping that maybe, just maybe, something that he cried might bring his bubbly Ivan back.

"You tai schi! Why do you want to erase your being from the world? Is living in this world that unbearable? So unbearable you want to remove your existence from everyone's lives? Shah tzu! You have no idea how wonderful and influential your existence is to the world! Without you Germany wouldn't be so motivated to achieve what he wants! Without you America wouldn't have an enemy to challenge him to new economic, diplomatic, and military heights! Without you all of the Soviet states wouldn't know what it is to be a family no matter how awful and cruel you were to them! Without you-"

Yao paused for a moment to compose himself, wiping away his salty trails on Ivan's drenched scarf before continuing softly, "Without you nobody would have someone to call their mother," A momentary spark of recognition leapt in soviet's eyes as his lips parted ready to growl something snarky in return but Yao hurried on, "Because... Because that is what you are! You are Mother _Russia_ are you not? You either take in countries that are struggling and teach them how to stand on their own, or you push the self-capable ones to higher levels of prosperity!" Again the irritated flash flickered in Ivan's eyes and his lips slid apart to hiss back but again Yao cut it off by retorting, "Of course you might not do it the most elegant of ways but still you do help the other countries keep themselves in check! Look at Estonia with his newfound ways for technology! Before, he was just a scared child, struggling to live his life under the oppressing power of the larger countries. Now after you took him in and taught him the ways of greatness and technology, his power with technology and knowledge is unparalleled by any country! Of course it's not to say that he went off unscarred, but I think that it was worth it, seeing his recent advancements. So," Yao gently placed his hand on Ivan's gaunt cheek, staring deep into his eyes, "don't berate yourself over your actions to the point of death because… because you are Mother _Russia_ and without you… without you all of the countries wouldn't be as successful as they are," Yao's voice slowly sank lower and lower until it petered out all together as his eyes searched deep into Ivan's eyes for some impact…

Slowly, oh ever so slowly, Ivan's palm floated upwards with a sort of ghostly quality towards his cheek where Yao's hand rested. The fingers of the spectral hand curled around them as if making sure they were truly there and not another delirious mirage. Keeping his eyes steady on Yao's, Ivan parted his lips and a reedy but melodious voice crawled out, as his eyes spoke of his voluminous pain, "They… really don't hate me?"

A bittersweet smile graced China-san's mouth as his interlaced hand pulled Ivan closer, his free hand wrapping around Ivan's back as his face came to rest in the crook of Yao's shoulder, "Of course not. I don't hate you, _schi_?" whispered Yao into Ivan's ear.

Ivan's embrace tightened around the tiny Chinese man, as his tears gushed through leaving behind a salty puddle on Yao's shoulder and a muffled cry. Yao's soothing voice breathed all sorts of consolatory phrases through the soviet's ear, desperately trying to alleviate Ivan's pain if only by a fraction…

Eventually when Ivan's streaming tears slowed to a trickle as his cries eased into hiccups, he lifted his head from Yao's drenched shoulder rubbing at his eyes like an innocent child. Yao's hand automatically flew up to wipe away the remaining droplets glistening on Ivan's porcelain face, carefully mumbling, "Feels good, doesn't it?"

Ivan nodded as the corner of his lips jerked up in a jiffy grin, as his scratchy baritone hacked out, "Da, feels like I'm a little child again…"

Yao let go of the breath that he'd been unconsciously holding as the five ton rocks of stress fell away from his shoulders, allowing him to breathe at last…

"I'm sorry I had to cause you so much trouble, Yao-san…" Ivan's whisper hissed seductively through China's ear, the unexpected goosebumps popping up on his arm snapped China out of his liberating reverie.

"D-don't mention it, Ivan," stumbled Yao, as his face flushed a roguish color once he realized how close Ivan's face was, "A-actually, I should be the one to apologize. I never realized that my idiotic absence would cause such pain on your behalf. If there's someone you should be angry at it would be me-"

Suddenly, China felt his body being lifted and embraced tightly as Ivan's arms surrounded his entire being. Odd chills raced down Yao's spine caused by Ivan's husky vibrations, "How could you say that if you were the one who saved me?! Without you I'd probably be lying in an ignorant oblivion of blood by now, leaving you- no… leaving _everyone _to drown in their guilt for not saving me from dying!" China felt a tickling sensation in his shoulder as Ivan inhaled sharply into his shoulder, then leaning back to stare at Yao with a faraway twinkle in his eyes, "You were right, Yao… My duty… isn't to create a utopia for all of the countries… It's being… It's about being someone who… motivates others to achieve success. I might not be motivating them in the best of ways… but I _am_ motivating them in my own little way_._ I know now what my goal in life is, and it's to be a motivator! That is my purpose, who and what I am! I'll never lose sight of it again for I am mother Russia! _I am the Russian Federation!_"

Yao stared up at the newly empowered figure proclaim his true purpose in the breaking light after a violent storm, and he couldn't help but beam at him as his heart thudded proudly in his chest, _and maybe from another emotion as well_. Yao squished those improper thoughts away, focusing completely on the newly changed country; The Russian Federation, quietly sending out a covert prayer "Let him also not forget about his prosperity, too…"

Suddenly Russia spun around from his window as if he heard that prayer his eyes widened with surprise but then softening as he saw the tiny beaming country. Slowly yet diligently he padded over to Yao and leaned over to whisper deeply in his ear once again, "And I wouldn't have done any of this without you, my darling Yao, as much as you deny it." Yao shivered, as the goosebumps returned with full force along with an unwelcome tickle in his stomach and the Chinese man couldn't help himself as he turned his head to gaze at Ivan's eyes. Suddenly Yao found his lips caught in Ivan's for Ivan seemed to have the same idea as him. Yao's eyes widened at their accidental kiss and he shamefully turned his face away, guilty that he would take advantage of Ivan that way as he blushed as crimson as his flag.

"Yao…" Yao heard Ivan whisper in that deep Russian voice of his, but he continued to stare at the floor wondering ashamedly what he should say, "Yao," Ivan persisted, taking his jaw into his fingers forcing him to look at the Russian. Ivan's iridescent purple eyes were filled with grief when they met China's, and Ivan's lips barely uttered the three words, "…Я люблю тебя…"

The whole world stopped in Ivan's eyes, as he breathlessly waited for Yao's answer to such a confession, hoping, praying for the best. When Yao didn't provide any answer or statement, Ivan prompted him again as he asked the obvious question, "А ты любишь меня?"

Yao was knocked speechless and thoughtless with the first confession clueless how to respond to such feelings. But as Yao's thoughts returned he realized that though wasn't usually a cliché romantic, he would do anything for Ivan, so he could live on. So when Ivan asked the monumental question, Yao let his emotions go as he reached up to press his lips to the Russian's, leaving behind a promising whisper.

"_Wo ai ni ie_

_Baka…"_

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**Translations**

tai schi – Idiot

Shah tzu – God

Schi – right

_Wo ai ni ie – _I love you

_Baka - _stupid

Я люблю тебя – I love you

А ты любишь меня? – Do you love me?

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**A/N: I am so so so so so so so so so etc... _so_ sorry that I haven't updated this fanfic in like forever! My only lame and pathetic excuse is only that I have been busy like nobody has seen before because [WARNING HUGE RANT AHEAD!] not only do I have to look for colleges that I would like to apply to, but I also have to go to every sport practice/match which are until 5 or 7 pm every day, and I have to do my school work too in between all of this, and cater to my mom's every need to get a sufficient income... ****[END OF HUGE RANT!]**

**So as you can see I have been extremely busy the past few days but thankfully school is ending in 4 days or so and then I'll have so much more free time to write write write those requests for Russia pairings! Oh, and although I do have a lengthy list of requests, I'm still taking them so if you have a Hetalia character you'd like me to pair up with Russia just PM me and I'll try and write that pairing to the best of my ability! **

**Anyways, THANK YOU SO MUCH for sticking with me through these long difficult chapter hiatus's, you have no idea how much those favorites, follows and especially reviews mean to me. Please keep writing those reviews (preferably with constructive criticism but anything is fine, too) because they help build my confidence and helps my inner editor learn and flourish into a better writer.**

**Once again, THANK YO SO MUCH for viewing, reviewing, favoriting, and following my story! It really means a lot to me!**

**TACKLE GLOMPS YOU!**


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